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Answers
to Some Commonly Asked Questions
About Domestic Violence
Why
do men batter?
- Maintain power, control and domination
- Learned behavior in response to anger, stress and conflict
- No accountability or consequences from society for the
use of violence toward family members/intimates (i.e. “they
abuse because they can”)
- Learned negative values regarding the status of women
What are some common characteristics of men
who batter? Can I “pick them out”?
It’s not that easy. Perpetrators of domestic violence
are ordinary men committing extraordinary acts. They are bankers,
bricklayers, lawyers, construction workers. Judges, doctors,
police officers, social workers, priests, salesmen, business
managers, the unemployed—in essence, they are from all
walks of life. Characteristics include:
- Low self esteem, including extreme insecurity and inability
to trust others
- Extreme jealousy
- Witnessed abuse in the home as a child
- Denial, minimization, and lying about the violence
- Blames the victims/others for his use of violence
- Does not accept responsibility for the violent behavior
- Justifies actions to a higher source (i.e. “the
Bible says I can do this”)
- Need to control and dominate
- “Jekyll and Hyde” personality
- Rigid sex-role stereotypes of men and women
- Views self as omnipotent or all-powerful and believes
that there should be no consequences for his violent actions
Why do women stay with men who beat them?
There are a number of obstacles to leaving an abusive relationship.
Many victims do not want the relationship to end; they only
want the violence to end and their partner to change. Leaving
a relationship is a difficult action even under the best of
circumstances. Violent relationships are complex and women
in these relationships are subjected to barriers and obstacles
that limit their options. Common factors and obstacles which
play a part in a battered women’s decision to stay in
the relationship or leave her assailant include:
- Economics
- Wants a father for the children
- Religions values and beliefs concerning marriage
- Love for her partner, he is not always abusive and has
a “good side”
- Belief that the violence is deserved and is punishment
for her mistakes
- Belief and hope in her partner’s promises to change,
including the belief in perpetrator treatment (i.e. “I
know he’ll stop if he goes to therapy”)
- Encouragement by family and friends to stay in the relationship
- Isolation
- Nowhere to go; lack of job skills, housing, transportation,
money
- Unaware that domestic violence is a crime, including legal
alternatives and resources for protection
- Ineffective local criminal justice response for protection
and support
- FEAR—for her own safety and the safety of her children
or others
What can I do if I know someone in an abusive relationship?
- Believe her; be supportive and let her talk about her
situation
- Reassure her that she does not deserve the abuse; it’s
not her fault
- Contact your nearest domestic violence program for support
for her and you
The Virginia Family Violence and Sexual Assault
Hotline can tell you who serves your area: 1-800-838-8238
- Help her find a safe place to go in case she needs it,
now or later
- Educate yourself and others about domestic violence
- There are groups for men, too; if your friends is in an
abusive relationship or is abusive himself, help him get
help.
Adapted from “Domestic Violence and
Family Preservation Services” Teleconference, 9/94
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